Letting Go Of Love
by poisonnwine
Summary: Spencer and Toby run into each other many years later, recounting their last goodbye, and questioning whether or not they made the right decision to let one another go. Dedicated to Aurelie.


Stepping around the puddle from the furious storm earlier that day, Spencer Hastings sighed once she noticed the street light a couple feet away from her started flashing the little red hand, rather than the little green walking man.

The whole day had been on and off rain. Every time it seemed to get sunny, it became cold and damp again. The clouds would roll out from hiding, and the lightning would begin to strike. She didn't mind the storms, she strangely liked this weather, but she wasn't so found of partaking in it.

Turning around to check the incoming dark clouds behind her, Spencer sighed. She probably wasn't going to make it home in time, before the storm hit. It was going to hit any minute now, and who knows the next time the little green walking man would once again appear, this was the busiest road in the city. It could be as long as fifteen minutes! And Spencer certainly wasn't one for patience.

Another sigh escaped her mouth as she gazed back at the fast moving cars. Becoming bored with the sight in front of her, Spencer glanced at the man standing idly a few steps away from her. Her mocha eyes squinted a little through the darkness, before her mouth fell down, and her feet gently strode forward. "Toby" said Spencer solidly, surely that it was him.

"Spe-Spencer?" his voice drew out as he took a step towards her, his round blue eyes squinted, and flustered.

The past lovers stood there staring at each other, for awhile, before either of them spoke again. Both, at this point were totally oblivious to the flashing little green walking man in front of them, their minds too involved in the past, to even notice the change in the setting.

Their last encounter was nearly eleven years ago, but both remembered every detail about it.

It was a warm Saturday afternoon in the month of May. Spencer had just got done painting her chipped nails—bad habit—when her phone rang—Toby. Her mind went blank for a few seconds, before she answered the phone. "Hello?" Things were different now, they weren't necessarily better, but a certain degree of peace was passed between the two. Whenever they saw each other around town, they would simply smile, sadly. Their past was almost forgotten, but not quite. Feelings were still hurt, and hearts were still broken, but somehow both made it through the days without each other. The call was just the beginning of the bittersweet good bye though. It was kind of ironic, really, how many greetings they made to each other that day, when they were really separating for potential forevermore good bye.

The phone conversation was short, like most of their conversations they had in the last couple months. Dry, pale, both holding back their emotions that so desperately wanted to reach the surface.

The rest of afternoon, wasn't much out of the ordinary, well except her friends endless begs that she come to prom "You deserve it!" they had said. She didn't even know what they meant by that, really.

They looked at her so different now. Like she was some doll made of glass, already chipped and broken, so close to absolutely breaking. She almost yearned for the days, where they didn't know the truth, where they simply thought she was just hurting from a simple break up. They were pretty horrible to her, but sometimes that felt better than _this_; the feeling of pity in their eyes every time they looked at her. It just made everything worse, really.

She didn't tell them where she went that night. She knew how they would react; worried, pitiful, confused of why she would want to go have a visit with one of their old tormenters.

So, she went to visit Toby that night, at his loft, without telling a single soul. When her mother asked her where she was going, and Spencer replied to Andrew's—her new boyfriend-except, it wasn't really a good lie. Andrew had went to prom, like the rest of her classmates. Although, her mother was so oblivious, that she didn't even question it. All she asked was why the couple wasn't going to prom, and Spencer simply replied with "It's pretty lame".

Ever since she was in junior high, she used to fantasize about prom, the dresses, her date, the memories that she would be create. But, all those fantasies disappeared awhile ago, along with most of her other fantasies about the future she planned. Things were different now, she was different now. Her dreams, goals they were different. As of before Toby Cavanaugh, her goals were circulated around the mere ambition to make her parents proud—to out stage Melissa, and be widely successful. But now? Her dreams, goals, ambitions, were accumulated to happiness; to be happy. Her new life long search wasn't finding success or riches, but happiness. If it was even possible.

When she got to his loft, she wasn't hesitant to knock on the door. She wasn't scared, or devastated like all the other times she had come pounding at the young boy's door in desperation for some clarity. She didn't really know how she was feeling, maybe conflicted on the thought of letting him go, for real.

He opened door with a nonchalant expression, unfazed by her presence, which was unusual. Maybe he was just numb to her now. Used to how he felt when she was around, guilt of what he did, devastation of what they could have been, mournfulness for who she used to be…what they used to be. How aligned they were once with one another, rather than now where he felt like a strange to her. Although, stranger or not, he still loved her. Whether or not he was loving who she used to be, rather than who she is now, he loved her, there no doubt, that his feelings for her were still evident.

He gestured for her to come in, and they did some awkward greetings, before the room was left in a tension of silence. The boxes around Toby's loft did all the words for him; he was officially leaving Rosewood and this time never coming back. She didn't blame him, she herself, would be leaving Rosewood, for good, soon.

She remembers their conversation, as much as she remembers the day she found out he was in a league of his own with Mona. "I'm happy for you" said Spencer, her expression didn't state much, but she did mean the words she spoke. She wanted his happiness, almost as she wanted her own.

He questioned when she would be leaving Rosewood, and she replied with 'a couple weeks'. She wasn't going to U-Penn, or to any college for that matter, anymore. She was going to travel, get the hell out of Rosewood—_find herself_. Her whole life she has been dreaming about what her parents wanted her to be, and just right now, she was dreaming about what she wanted to be, except she wasn't exactly sure of what that was. At least not yet, anyways. She told Toby most of this—finding herself and what not—he seemed happy for her too, that she was doing something for herself rather than her parents. It wasn't that shitty, fake _'I'm happy for you'_ thing either, it was genuine, true, something that Toby Cavanaugh, was not.

It was not for awhile until Toby brought up Andrew. He wasn't jealous, or envious, so it seemed, his attitude was more or less protective, if anything. Asking stuff like whether or not he treated her right, and if he made her happy. Spencer shrugged to these questions, Andrew wasn't anything special, really the only reason she even remembers his name, now, was because he was the first relationship she had after Toby.

As the afternoon fell into night, and the conversations faded, leaving them in the silence only filled with stares and glances, Spencer decided it was probably time to say goodbye. "So, this is it" declared Spencer, staring at her former lover, finally her true feelings coming out. Her voice was broken. Almost, matching the way she sounded before everything happened; and when Toby used to leave. He always left, and Spencer begun to realize that she was the only thing that remotely tied him down; that kept him from fully running away, before.

He swallowed hardly and replied with a yes. He said another countless apology about everything that happened, and Spencer too, said she was sorry. He was confused, but Spencer didn't go into detail of her apology, she simply just said "just because you hurt me, didn't give me permission to hurt you" he didn't really say much to that. No words were really spoken after that, really, but the message of forgiveness and forget seemed to pass by, somehow.

She didn't leave right away after the short lived conversation about apologies though. She stepped forward, barely a smile on her face, and cupped his face in her tiny hands, like she used to do, before everything went wrong. "We are kind of messed up" she had said softly, barely moving her lips to do so. He nodded stiffly, with a sad smile of his own, his hesitant hands, meeting her shoulders.

"Letting us go, letting you go, its the right choice, right?" She had asked him, tilting her head to the side, her deep mocha eyes wavering back and forth between the, finally, calm, blue, sea in his eyes. Her smile dropped into a sort of broken smile, and she sniffled.

He had looked at her for a second before replying, his eyes boring into hers with much intensity, that in that moment, all doubts of his love for her vanished. He brought one of his hands up to caress her hand still parked on his cheek. "Letting me go, letting us go, it's the right choice, Spencer. I'm a monster. I bring out the demons in others, because I'm too afraid to fight my own. You deserve better." his voice nearly cracked at this.

"You're not a monster" she fought softly, her thumb rubbing against Toby's gently "at least not to me…" she said her voice breaking, as a tear fell down her face, her throat was so closed up by now, that she knew that if she said another word, she would break down. So, she didn't say anything. She kissed him instead.

He pulled away from her kiss quickly, tears in streaming down his face, and his eyes reflecting a brighter shade of blue, now. "Spencer," said he, breathlessly, his emotions pouring out freely now. She stopped the potential sob, by capturing his lips between hers, yet again. After a second, of motionless movements, he drove into the kiss, greeting her mouth with his, tracing her lips with his tongue, before she granted him permission inside her mouth. The familiar breath of oxygen; Spencer's hot , warm breath, ran down to his lungs, powering them like so many other times before when they kissed. He couldn't deny that he missed this; their kisses, their conversations, their everything, really.

Her hands fell to his chest, and his hand, the hand he had earlier met to hers, traveled with her. He squeezed her hand gently, as his other hand pushed at her back, causing her to lean closer to him, to fall into the kiss like she always had, her knees buckling and all.

Breathlessly, they pulled away, both running low on air supply. They didn't say anything. They simply just collapsed into each other's arms, falling into a steady embrace; they had so many times before.

She had hid her face into his chest, willingly crying, as he stroked her hair with his hand, and placed gentle, sweet, innocent kisses along the top and side of her head; soothing her until the tears stopped.

"I still love you" she told him lastly, after her tears seemed to stop, her head still glued to his slow beating heart.

He paused his actions for a second, and Spencer swore she heard his heart stop "Me too."

Barely two words were said after that; only goodbyes and another short kiss. Both were sad to see each other go, to let each other go, but it had to be done. They weren't the people who fell in love all that time ago. They were different. The people they once were were gone now. They were both hanging on to the past, rather than each other. They had to let each other go. So, they did.

As the years passed, the two somehow managed to move on. Although, their hearts were still very much kindled for each other; there were endless thoughts of doubt that they would never fully let each other go. But, somehow along the road, they forgot each other, they moved on, the endless nights of doubt and regret stopped, and they found new love. Although, their feelings for each other never fully left, they were there, still deep inside them, hidden away for another life, a much less complicated one.

"How are you?" asked Spencer, ignoring the growling thunder behind her, the storm was definitely coming in.

"Good, I guess, better than I've been in awhile. I mean I'm still not perfect, but who is?" He smiled up at her, and a chuckle escaped Spencer's mouth for some reason. "What about you?"

"I'm okay" said Spencer, honestly.

"Did you ever find what you were looking for? What you want to be?" asked Toby, like Spencer, remembering every word of their last conversation.

She took in a deep breath "Yeah, I think. I work in child services. I want to protect people, kids, give them what I didn't have. It took me awhile to figure it out, to get my life back in order, but I think I'm happy" said Spencer, a small smile still gracing her features.

Toby smiled "I'm glad…you're happy and it fits, you always were trying to protect everyone, _it's you_."

She nodded, and sort of shrugged "Yeah, I guess I do. What about you? Did your whole…carpentry business work out for you?" asked Spencer, curiously.

He nodded "Yeah, I actually went to school, and took a few architect classes. Everything…it seemed to work out"

The smile was still on her face "That's great" she didn't ask if she found anyone, and he didn't ask her. They both already knew, what they wanted to know; they were both happy. The question of whether or not they should have stayed together in high school was answered. They were better apart, than together.

They stood there in the silence for awhile, waiting for the little green man to flash again. It wasn't an awkward silence, or really a comfortable one either, but more of a silence of tranquility. A calmness that was missing from the equation of their relationship so many years ago.

Not another word was spoken until they were across the street, ready to part ways, for once again forever. "It was nice seeing you" said Toby.

"You too" replied Spencer. Although the parting words were said and done, neither moved an inch. "So, I guess we didn't turn out too messed up, right?" said Spencer, with a delicate, almost nervous laugh.

"Right" agreed Toby, a chuckle escaping his mouth.

After a second, she spoke again "…is it possible?" asked she "possible for us to be okay without each other?"

He gulped, shyly looking into her aged mocha eyes that sometimes haunted his dreams. Licking his lips, "I never thought, I would be, but," breathed out Toby.

She smiled half heartedly. "I mean I know we made the right choice, but sometimes I just wonder if it's possible—us. If we tried a little harder, that we could possibly work things out." She took in a deep breath "but then I remember reality, and I decide that it's not…possible, and sometimes… I just wish that I could be a little more ignorant. That if I was, then maybe I would've had hope for us back then. That maybe we could have worked through things."

"Ignorance is bliss" recited Toby, a sad smile sketched on his face, and his dry humor doing him no good.

"Yeah," sighed Spencer.

"Sometimes I regret it too, but then I remember, who I was turning you into, and I decide that it was the right choice. You live in a world of dysfunction already, I would have just made it worse, and don't tell me otherwise. We both know it's true."

She looked at him sadly for a moment "Maybe, sacrificing myself for…us…maybe it would be better than losing you completely" said Spencer.

He shook his head "but, if you sacrificed yourself, there wouldn't be an 'us' anymore. Besides, I could never let you do that. You're amazing…and I just, would never want you to do that."

"I guess you are right. Our relationship… was a mess…"

"Yeah" agreed Toby in mumble.

"But…I wouldn't take it back" said Spencer, shyly, after a second.

"Me neither" he sighed with a sweet, sad, innocent smile.

She patted him on the arm before saying her final goodbye, _her real final goodbye_. They would go on to never see each other again. Go on to find the ones that they would grow old with, have children with. Go on to forget each other, and finally move on; finally let go. But, even after letting go, their love for each other didn't stop. They would always have feelings for one another, no matter how long they were apart, or how many goodbyes they would go through, they would _always_ love each other.

In the end, they were simply just two people who weren't supposed to fall in love, but did.


End file.
